What is, what was, what could've been

Well, Friday and Saturday I was at a conference for the Family Readiness officers for T-Man's unit. It was very informative and beneficial and I feel a lot better about things now. Yay!

The conference was held at the Doubletree suites in Wood Dale, IL which was strangely right down the road from my "what was". In 1994 I took a job opportunity with Household Retail Services in their collections department. I quickly worked my way up and by the time I left there a few years later, I was working in sales.

When I was pregnant with Bubba in 1998 I was working with Transamerica Distribution Finance and had a company car and a base salary that is double what I'd be making if I went back to teaching. I also was on track to earn about $15,000 in bonuses that year. (which I received part of when they downsized the outside sales department at the end of '98) That was a lot of money back then. Heck, I'd be happy to be making that now - 10 years later!

Anyway, I don't say any of this to sound bragadocious or conceited or stupid, or however else I might sound, but I say this because of my trip to Wood Dale, IL over the weekend. Since Doubletree was literally on the same road across from the Industrial Park I worked in at HRSI, I decided I would take a little trip down memory lane and drive by my old stomping grounds.

As I drove down Mittel Blvd I began to feel a panic attack coming on (yeah, it wouldn't be my first) and I wasn't sure why. My throat started closing and I felt like I was suffocating - I couldn't breathe. I was suddenly overcome with a flood of emotions and flashbacks of old friends, business associates, accomplishments and visions of my former self - a career-driven, motivated, determined, successful young married woman with no kids.

Wow! What happened to her?! She is so far gone from who I have become today, it is frightening. It's hard to believe I was ever her. As I sat there staring into the building that used to hold my cubicle, I felt a real sense of loss for who I was and what I could've been. I was literally crying. I look at my husband's success and I can't believe that he and I were on similar career paths back then making about the same amount of money. Could I have accomplished as much as he has? Could I be stimulating my mind and challenging my intellect and bringing home a big, sweet, paycheck every week? It was mind boggling and made me feel bad for my sad, pathetic self.

I had to get out of there. As I drove out of the parking lot, down Mittel Blvd and back onto Thorndale I immediately noticed a sense of calm overtaking me. The sense of loss was disappearing as quickly as it had engulfed me. I thought again to the person that I was back then and realized how much I had sacrificed and put at risk - my marriage, my friendships, my family - and would have continued to sacrifice if I had followed that path.

To think that I wouldn't have been around for Bubba's first steps, or Princess' first "I love you" or Trixie's first smile. Heartbreaking. To think that there might never have even been any of them is even worse.

Of course, I also thought about T and all that he has done to make our lives what they are today. Although I wasn't happy about it, I agreed to move to the Hog Capital and it is here that I have really felt like I found my home. We NEVER had that in Chicago. Aside from leaving the home that we had built and I loved, there was nothing else, and no one else that we were really leaving behind.

It's not like I've made a boatload of friends since I've moved here, but I have made several - I found my BFF and many other amazing women that I know I could turn to for just about anything.

Because of T, I have been able to be a stay at home mom and be there for class parties, field trips and most importantly, we were able to give our kids over 5 amazing years living one mile from an incredible Grandma that they would lose way too soon.

Because of T, I have never had to sacrifice any wants or needs and have been able to buy things for myself and my kids on a whim.

We're not rich. In fact, for the first few years we lived here - it was no different than Chicago. Thanks to our HUGE amount of debt, we lived paycheck to paycheck, but we still did what we wanted. It's the Generation X mentality I guess. If we wanted something, we still bought it, or if we had a chance to go out for a nice dinner, we took it. (We are finally at the point in our lives where we are not just maintaining our debt, but paying it down. Hooray!)

But I digress. There is so much I want to say about all that I was able to think about being ALONE in a hotel room for several hours and ALONE in a car for the trip there and back. (when was the last time that ever happened?!)

I could go on and on and on. In fact, I see that I am! :)

Can I just end this post with a few more things?

I love my husband. I am so thankful for all that he does for us (and our country) every day.
I love my kids. I am so thankful that I have been able to be a stay at home mom for them.
I love where I live. Sure, I miss the malls, the restaurants, the shows, the diversity, the beautiful homes and the energy of a big city, but it is not what I need anymore. I am so thankful that I get to drive my kids (a whopping quarter mile) to school and am never more than a minute away from them if they need me. I am so thankful that I live somewhere where there are women, not even friends per se, to hug me and comfort me on a ride home from a fieldtrip when I found out I had lost my mother in law, and by the time I walked through my front door several hours later, already had cards and food left on my front porch with more to come several times a day for the next couple of days. Wow. Sorry, Chicago suburbs, but it just wouldn't have happened there.
I love who I have become. I am not perfect...I went from one extreme to the other in terms of dress, personality, etc., but I am working my way back up to a middle ground. Recapturing who I was and mixing it with who I became to make myself into who I want to be. I am a work in progress. I have a long way to go, but my little visit to Wood Dale, IL has made me see things a bit clearer, and for that I am very thankful.